anyone who has asperger will have one or two feeling s about it.either it is a gift,or it is a curse.i have,in my extended family a couple of others who have autism.before i begin my deconstruction, i want to say this....i find what Adam lanza did horrifying,evil.and i can not forgive him.he became evil.but as a person who has autism,i can see mirrored in what we now know of him,something vulnerable,scared.
i can tell you when you reach 8 grade,and anyone else who has,it is a sea change.for some,coming up through this,they get stuck,for others it is a breeze.for me,having little exterior help to begin with,i never noticed.but,now i can almost see in him,some of my family who have autism.they hit the higher grades,everyone else they know has changed,but,they have not.and it is like trying to gain you breath underwater,but there is something keeping you from breaking through.he stuck his hand out for help,his family,tried to get help,but,as with so many who`s kids have autism or aspergers no help was given.
it is hard.your smart enough you have adapted to the world,learned this alien world`s rules,and laws,learned to speak .even to mimic it(and that what people with higher functioning do,they adapt learn mimic,they have a hard time really understanding) ,but not like others,who because there disability is so noticeable,they are helped.those enough clever enough to adapt,are left to our demise.for those,some will break through,as i did.,some will flounder in almost a child like state,and other,well,they go down a dark corner.usually into drugs.but to murder?i can not comprehend how.i know i at times wanted to hurt the "normal"kids who bullied me,but kill?it seems so alien.what happened?here is my insight.....he felt completely swallowed,he could no longer live up to what he though everyone needed.in fact,because of his problems,he had hit his limit in adapting to our normal world....he panicked,no help was given.but,as i have stated,he is not alone,millions of families with autistic children will tell you they get thrown under the bus around this time.no help,no way to help there child adapt and move on.so,when he changed to killer,i lose all sense of pity for him,he deserves none.the lesson shoud be we need to help this kids.learn the transition from child,teenager to adult.because we are losing some of the smartest people there is.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
the edward snowden saga
He would have us to believe that he is a patriotic whistle blower.that he is trying to wake America up to what the government is doing.but,this is the problem.....if he is a whistle blower,why did he not stay anonymous and leave to the u.k?why fly to Chinese hong Kong?he went there,and anyone with any brains knows that china wanted information for him to stay.then,he went to Russia,and once again,he had to talk to the Russian government.this means he is making a tour of every freedom hating country .why?he wants us to think he is a champion of freedom,and yet,he is staying in some of the worst human rights nations.and wiki leaks has lost credibility as well.he wants to go to Ecuador,the puppet state of Venezuela.so he is going to every American hating country.and he is helping them by giving them propaganda.and,he wants me to think he is a patriot..he is not.he is a communist spy.and as far as china crying about us hacking into their computers,boo-hoo.they have done the same,so has Russia.so what.nothing this whistle blower has said is new.it has been on PBS,tlc.and if you though bush passed a bill making the national intelligence agency and it would not be spying on you,wake up. EDWARD SNOWDEN IS NO PATRIOT,HE IS NO WHISTLE BLOWER.HE IS NOT A MARTYR OF FREEDOM.HE IS A COMMUNIST SPY PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
the life of hardship
I have said many times only by the grace of god am i here,i have said many times if you had walked in my shoes you would be kinder.so i will tell you.....
........where to begin,well my mom was the daughter of a protestant preacher,and his wife was assembly of god.he stood in judgement,and she used kindness.my mom was one of six.there life was one of hardships,hunger.my mom left home when she was 16.she said it was because of the way she thought her brother was being done.she met a man in Arizona.this man would become a terror.he was married,but somehow he married my mom at the same time.my mother did not know he was married.he bear her,stomped her.when she would escape,her dad would call this man and tell him where she was.and so she was beaten more.she had three kids by him.she escaped,when the first was born.a group in Texas helped her.and she helped them by telling her story.her story was put in a news paper,it was called Susan and her unborn baby....it was a big deal then.it told of her husbands abuse,infidelity.but,it also led to her "husband "finding her.he nearly killed her.she became pregnant with their second child,a girl.he had one of his friends lock her in a phyc ward.claiming she was having a false pregnancy and she was acting out.they fell for it until a doctor checked her and heard the baby`s heart.he told the man"either she has two hearts or she is pregnant."and but her in a hospital..they turned her out,he took her and dumped her out in a bad part of Dallas.my mom said she went and talked to an old black woman,and then hitchhiked to her dads.upon arriving at her dads,she was allowed to stay...but after a day or so her dad jumped on her cussing ...she left.the same christian group helped her.then her dad told her husband where she was,he found her,beat her,and took her to his wife's home.there he beat her some more. a few months later,my sister was born.she was the smallest baby born at that time that was not premature.she was ok except she was small.my mom had no where to go.he kicked her out,beat her.she walked up one side of the road,then the other to get a ride back to her dads.then,her dad would call her husband,and he would get her.she then became pregnant with this mans third child.she refused to put him as this child dad.when she did not do it ,he beat her took her to a hotel,and beat her,drug her across the floor until her skin peeled off her back,hit her head so hard she though he was going to kill her.she waited until he left,then got the clerk to call the police.they arrested him,and took her and her kids to a place and had guards watch for her husband.the judge got her in touch with her dad.he came and took her to where the had moved to in Mississippi.then,he told her husband where she was.he came and took my oldest brother and my sister,but because my mom had not put him as my other brothers father,he could not take him.
she fought to get custody,but he had moved,changed his and the kids name.and had his friends protect him.my mom meet my dad.at the time,he worked putting up fences. she and him would go out and his mom would tell her,i know you two went and got married behind my back,but,it had not happened.my mom became pregnant.she was on the pill,she went and the doctor insisted she was not pregnant and continue taking the pill.my mom though,knew she was pregnant.she quit the pill,a week later,my brother was born,in her pajamas.she went to the hospital,and while they were arguing on how to get paid,something happened,and he died.my mom was in agony.she cried all night.and when they buried him,she went.no one was there except my dad and her.my dad got a job as a welder.soon i was born.
i was born on a Sunday.at 4:30....my mom said she was so surprised that i had long black hair like my brother who died.i will not lie and say my dad was perfect.he was`t he terrorized us when we were small.we moved around a lot.but,my mom would cook meals for some of the less fortunate people in our neighborhood.she helped others by keeping their kids.i also will not say my mom was perfect.she seemed to be more less unfocused.at least towards me.but,i was the quiet child.i did well in school.it was not till later she found out i was autistic.but,she did well,i could write,talk,etc.then,our world took a noise dive.my dad was nearly killed at the steel plant.he stayed in the hospital for months.we had no food,nothing.my mom worked,but she barely got enough.we ended up living on a farm.then,we moved back to my home town.then at age 12,i was nearly killed while playing ball with my brother.i was hit by the bat witch has broken into,and hit me,impelling me in the neck.i stopped breathing,and was unconscious.she drove me to the hospital,while holding me and keeping a towel across my neck.i got lucky.the hospital was on alert for a trauma victim,they took me in looked at me sewed me up,and yes,believe it or not,sent me home.for weeks,i was i guess,unconscious.and when i did come to,i could not sit up .my mom took me back,and they found out i had caught a strip infection.they sent me back home.i slowly got to where i could talk.then i got my strength back.and i went back to school,with a gauze wrap around my neck.later,i found out my accident had broken two vertebrae in my neck.it was amazing that i had survived.during this time,i had to go hungry.......and my parents were in and out of mental hospitals.my brother stayed with my grandparents,but,none of them wanted me.so..i had to eat out of dumpsters behind wiin dixie.i had to get clothes out of dumpsters.i got no help from any church,and church group.we got no food stamps,nothing.so,walk in these shoes,and see if you find mercy for others.it was hard,but i am happy.it taught me what happiness is.and what being a christian really is.it is not about big mega churches with gold.it is about love,compassion.and mercy.
........where to begin,well my mom was the daughter of a protestant preacher,and his wife was assembly of god.he stood in judgement,and she used kindness.my mom was one of six.there life was one of hardships,hunger.my mom left home when she was 16.she said it was because of the way she thought her brother was being done.she met a man in Arizona.this man would become a terror.he was married,but somehow he married my mom at the same time.my mother did not know he was married.he bear her,stomped her.when she would escape,her dad would call this man and tell him where she was.and so she was beaten more.she had three kids by him.she escaped,when the first was born.a group in Texas helped her.and she helped them by telling her story.her story was put in a news paper,it was called Susan and her unborn baby....it was a big deal then.it told of her husbands abuse,infidelity.but,it also led to her "husband "finding her.he nearly killed her.she became pregnant with their second child,a girl.he had one of his friends lock her in a phyc ward.claiming she was having a false pregnancy and she was acting out.they fell for it until a doctor checked her and heard the baby`s heart.he told the man"either she has two hearts or she is pregnant."and but her in a hospital..they turned her out,he took her and dumped her out in a bad part of Dallas.my mom said she went and talked to an old black woman,and then hitchhiked to her dads.upon arriving at her dads,she was allowed to stay...but after a day or so her dad jumped on her cussing ...she left.the same christian group helped her.then her dad told her husband where she was,he found her,beat her,and took her to his wife's home.there he beat her some more. a few months later,my sister was born.she was the smallest baby born at that time that was not premature.she was ok except she was small.my mom had no where to go.he kicked her out,beat her.she walked up one side of the road,then the other to get a ride back to her dads.then,her dad would call her husband,and he would get her.she then became pregnant with this mans third child.she refused to put him as this child dad.when she did not do it ,he beat her took her to a hotel,and beat her,drug her across the floor until her skin peeled off her back,hit her head so hard she though he was going to kill her.she waited until he left,then got the clerk to call the police.they arrested him,and took her and her kids to a place and had guards watch for her husband.the judge got her in touch with her dad.he came and took her to where the had moved to in Mississippi.then,he told her husband where she was.he came and took my oldest brother and my sister,but because my mom had not put him as my other brothers father,he could not take him.
she fought to get custody,but he had moved,changed his and the kids name.and had his friends protect him.my mom meet my dad.at the time,he worked putting up fences. she and him would go out and his mom would tell her,i know you two went and got married behind my back,but,it had not happened.my mom became pregnant.she was on the pill,she went and the doctor insisted she was not pregnant and continue taking the pill.my mom though,knew she was pregnant.she quit the pill,a week later,my brother was born,in her pajamas.she went to the hospital,and while they were arguing on how to get paid,something happened,and he died.my mom was in agony.she cried all night.and when they buried him,she went.no one was there except my dad and her.my dad got a job as a welder.soon i was born.
i was born on a Sunday.at 4:30....my mom said she was so surprised that i had long black hair like my brother who died.i will not lie and say my dad was perfect.he was`t he terrorized us when we were small.we moved around a lot.but,my mom would cook meals for some of the less fortunate people in our neighborhood.she helped others by keeping their kids.i also will not say my mom was perfect.she seemed to be more less unfocused.at least towards me.but,i was the quiet child.i did well in school.it was not till later she found out i was autistic.but,she did well,i could write,talk,etc.then,our world took a noise dive.my dad was nearly killed at the steel plant.he stayed in the hospital for months.we had no food,nothing.my mom worked,but she barely got enough.we ended up living on a farm.then,we moved back to my home town.then at age 12,i was nearly killed while playing ball with my brother.i was hit by the bat witch has broken into,and hit me,impelling me in the neck.i stopped breathing,and was unconscious.she drove me to the hospital,while holding me and keeping a towel across my neck.i got lucky.the hospital was on alert for a trauma victim,they took me in looked at me sewed me up,and yes,believe it or not,sent me home.for weeks,i was i guess,unconscious.and when i did come to,i could not sit up .my mom took me back,and they found out i had caught a strip infection.they sent me back home.i slowly got to where i could talk.then i got my strength back.and i went back to school,with a gauze wrap around my neck.later,i found out my accident had broken two vertebrae in my neck.it was amazing that i had survived.during this time,i had to go hungry.......and my parents were in and out of mental hospitals.my brother stayed with my grandparents,but,none of them wanted me.so..i had to eat out of dumpsters behind wiin dixie.i had to get clothes out of dumpsters.i got no help from any church,and church group.we got no food stamps,nothing.so,walk in these shoes,and see if you find mercy for others.it was hard,but i am happy.it taught me what happiness is.and what being a christian really is.it is not about big mega churches with gold.it is about love,compassion.and mercy.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
autism,a blessing and a curse.
i am now 40,and the terrifying though occurred to me.for one,i am almost totally alone.beyond my mother and father,there are few people who care to even get to know me.my parents health is failing,and my mom keeps this i wished i had known,and i would have done different ,thing.i always come to tears.not because i wanted anything different,but because of the way she tells my story.i have never considered myself any different.i just could not make friends.that`s not unusual.i have trouble with some people who would get mad and threaten me because i would not talk,problem is i usually do not talk to people i do not know.i am a high functioning autistic,considered by the physiological community to be very intelligent.i learned how to use a computer and the internet without any help.i can repair electronics,some say i am a wiz and fixing things.i planted a flower garden when my mom heath began to fail.everyone say to her it is beautiful.i tried to get jobs,but,somehow,i never clicked.but,i have worked.mainly with people who do small repair,or for one summer,demolition.i have a knack for it.and i worked landscaping.i always gave my mom all my money and told her she could have it.i never knew what to get .and i hate stores,to crowded,to loud,and to bright.i have always had some thing to do.that is,till i had an accident and messed my back up.then for a while,i had have bed rest after my back surgery.i tried working to get money again...only to injure my back and need surgery.so......i have done all that is asked,but ,i am worried...i do not know if i could live through my mother or father dying.they have both been close to death...and while they were away,all i did was keep from breaking completely down.no one came to see me,no one called.this is what i feared,alone,quiet.you think someone with autism would love that,but no.my parents life is music.as long as hear it,i am fine.but when it stops,i can not function.and i am scared .will them dying mean soon after i will die?
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